her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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