Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
