you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
