I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
