omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Randomize
