So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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