i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Randomize
