I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
