So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
