Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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