Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Pooping to opera.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
