So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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