There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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