We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
