i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Vodka?
Forever.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
My life is pants optional.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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