so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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