he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
that is very illegal...i love you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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