Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
