I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
