Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
