meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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