singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
