Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
