Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
