We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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