what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
