why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
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