don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
