What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
