He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I saw his dick soo much last night when I saw him this morning all I saw was penis where his face should be
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Randomize
