I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
