I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
