I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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