So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
There's always time for handjobs
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
