Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
