What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
