I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
