is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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