you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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