Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
