so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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