Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Randomize
