I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
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