So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
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