Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
