Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
