Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
