K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
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