I just threw up on my dentist
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
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