in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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