yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
