I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
