some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
